This note is dedicated to my dog Bobby.

I reached home today at 5.40pm, which is early by my standard. As I opened the door, I was expecting the clinking of keys to have woken a sleepy doggy, who'd then run excitedly to the door to greet me.

This was not to be the case. As I opened the door, I found Bobby lying lifeless behind the door. His eyes were open and his mouth slightly apart, but he was motionless. As I rushed in, I was hoping that he'd just been soundly asleep, and the commotion I made rushing in would somehow rouse him from his deep slumber.

However, I didn't manage to rouse him in anyway. I tried shaking him. His body still felt warm. I thought, maybe he's just unconscious. I tried feeling for a pulse, and thought that I'd felt a very weak pulse. I realised that I had to get him to a vet. I called up the animal clinic at East Coast Road, and was told to go to the hospital at Whitley Road.

As I placed his lifeless body into his mobile carrier bag, I could not help but to start crying. I felt so helpless that I couldn't do anything. I called my mum to inform her that I was going to the vet, and msged my sis and my dad.

I rushed down to the Mount Pleasant Animal Hospital at Whitley Road, travelling at 120 km/h. Along the way, I kept calling out to Bobby for him to stay strong (i didn't want to believe that he was gone), and praying for a miracle to happen.

I reached the hosital at 6.05pm and my sister had already reached the hospital when I got there. We rushed into the consultation room, where a vet (Dr Leong) attended to us promptly. She tried to listen to a heartbeat from Bobby, but couldn't find one. I appreciated that she tried to break the news to us in the most subtle way. It was then that I'd accepted the fact that he'd passed away. But accepting the fact was far from being able to cope with it in reality. I called to inform my mum and dad about it, and they were to make their way down asap. In the meantime, the hospital had arranged for a private room for us to have some private time with Bobby...

Esther came around 7.10pm, and my parents came soon after. We huddled around Bobby, taking turns to hold him. It was a strange feeling, because Bobby still looked so alive. His eyes were still open, looking at us, and I could almost say that he was smiling. I really hope that he died a happy dog.

At this point in time, we still don't know how he died. It could be a heart attack, or it could be a stroke, or it could be something related to his organs malfunctioning. Whatever it is, I do hope that he did not suffer in his last moments.

After I'd settled the paperwork with the hospital and arranged for cremation, we left the hospital for dinner. i will have to return to the hospital tomorrow to take a look at the Columbarium to find a suitable niche for Bobby.

==============================

All through this evening, there were many thoughts that ran through my head.

I was reminiscing the times that I had with Bobby, and thinking of what I will miss when he is not around.

-I will miss taking Bobby out for walks on Sunday mornings, and then shower and groom him. I've dubbed this routine as the Bobby Sunday routine, and I certainly will miss this.

-I will miss Bobby's sniffing at the door, everytime he wants to get into a room

-I will miss Bobby's begging for food at the table when I'm eating. He knows to beg from me because I'm sure to give him some morsels of food from my plate.

-I will miss his cute sleeping poses, and our favourite one of him is with all four legs pointed at the ceiling.

-I will miss how he yearns for bak kwa during chinese new year. (it's his favourite food apparently)

-I will miss how he thinks he is the boss of the house, despite him being the smallest member of the family.

I have a t-shirt from SPCA which says: "To you, he's a dog. To him, you're everything." To me, Bobby's such a loyal companion, and it was weird to return home just now to not have Bobby greet me at the door. We knew Bobby as Bobby, and Bobby knew us as mummy, daddy, jie jie and kor kor. He was a part of the family as much as any of us.

One of the things that really hurt just now, was thinking that perhaps if I'd left 1 hour early, I would have been able to save Bobby. He was still warm, and soft when I came home, indicating that he'd only be gone for a short while. Maybe I shouldn't have called the last few parents regarding the Meet-the-Parents Session. Maybe I shouldn't have done that extra bit of work for the Pahang trip. Maybe I shouldn't have.... But now, it's too late.

-I wish that I had managed to say goodbye to Bobby this morning before I left for work. I was too tired this morning, and Bobby was still in the room when I left, so I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. The last time I saw him, was last night when he asked to be let into my parents room to sleep. I'm sorry that I didn't manage to say a proper goodbye to you.

-I wish I could've spent more time with him.... I'm sorry that I was away for 2 years during my NS days, and for 3 years during my Uni days. I'm sorry that there are some days when I return so late that he'd already gone to bed.

Bobby actually came to join the family, much against the wishes of my mum. My dad had brought Bobby home as my 14th birthday present. He was just a tiny puppy then. And he's grown in the 13 years that we've kept him. The strange thing is that Bobby's favourite person in the house is actually my mum. Everytime we come home, he ignores us and goes straight to my mum, because it's my mum who feeds him with his daily meals, and it's my mum who usually keeps him company in the evenings.

I suppose the last thing that I really want to do is to share the last words I'd like to have with Bobby.

"Dear Bobby,

Thank you for being such a loyal companion to me. You've never failed to cheer me up at any time of day. I loved to watch you just lying there, looking so contented with life. I'd never thought that I'd have to say goodbye to you. Thank you for all the wonderful times that you've shared with us. Thank you for sharing your entire life with us. I don't know how to thank you enough, because you've taught us many lessons about life.

I hope that you'll be happy wherever you may be now. Please know that we really do love you very much, and that we've already started to miss you so dearly.

With love,

Kor Kor"

These are some of the random thoughts that I've had, that I really want to jot down (hence there's no consistent flow to it). I will probably add more when I think of more.